The next day, I was off on my live-aboard in Komodo National Park - supposedly the best diving in Indonesia! I checked out, waited half an hour for a banana pancake breakfast (apparently insufficient time!) and head down the dive shop hungry! Here I met 'Willy', the Dive Master and two of the other divers. We made our way to the boat, met the crew and were off - next stop 'Tatawa Besar', we had to pick up two more divers en route who were staying on an island resort in the park. Once at our destination, we made our first dive amongst docile and inquisitive turtles, amazing corals and my first Lion Fish. Post lunch, we made dive number two at 'Crystal Rock', less spectacular corals greeted us but I spied a lone reef shark (second of my career), a beautiful Eagle Ray and a host of sizeable fish. The final dive of the day was my first night dive. We moored the boat in a secluded cove and waited for night-fall.

Sunset and the live-aboard

Luaban Bajo Airport...

So Neighbours

Things can only end badly!

Bali oozes class!

With an all day power cut on the cards, I thought I'd be proactive. Unwashed and fairly gross, I dropped off my laundry and bought myself a sarong - starting asking price Rp. 350,000, paid Rp. 50,000, jokers! I took a stroll along the beach walk toward the airport where the beach and clientele did improve but only marginally! I'm still baffled as to the secret of Kuta's popularity. As I made my way back, I crashed on the beach for some much needed sun.

As the sun went down, the power came back and I washed off the day and head to 'Swell Bar' which boasted celebrity clientele such as Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson and Angelina Jolie in photos which were definitely not taken this century! Here I got chatting to Corey, an Aussie flight attendant, who, being a Bali veteran suggested we head to some gay bars - why not! We made our way to "Bali Joe's", drag queen central. Being on the gay strip we hopped around a few bars until we got to "Club Cabaret" where I was assaulted by Madonna, Whitney, Britney and Rihanna! As the 'ladies' pulled at my clothes, the feeling I have been made a naked spectacle of far too many times in Asia crept in and I ran for the door! Back to Bali Joe's. The crowd had grown and shifted from seedy old men to a younger crowd which was a relief, it's here I got chatting to Flick and Alex, they in turn introduced me to James and Lydia and just like that, my view that all Australians in Indonesia were illiterate Bogans was shattered - praise the lord! My first night out in Indonesia was a blast.

After a surprisingly late start to the day, I made my way over to Seminyak which compared to Kuta is positively swanky! I found myself in the Aussie's villa which depressed me greatly considering I have been washing with a bucket some days - I even got breakfast...made by their maid! Hammish, Hooper, Flick, James and I made our way to the beach to 'La Plancha' - the day passed avoiding beach sellers, attempting to make it into the sea without the lifeguard blowing up (his whistle!) and generally monging out! The sun began to slip behind the horizon so we took our leave - it's so refreshing to be able to speak to people with the same first language, other Westerners don't seem to pick up on sarcasm! From the beach I head home for a shower and to pick up my laundry from the previous day - this turned out to be a mini adventure itself! First hurdle came with road closures left right and center meaning my motorbike driver got ridiculously lost in the claustrophobic backstreets of Kuta. Eventually arriving at my destination time came to pick up my laundry, I rarely make this faux pas but I neglected to ask a price when I was dropping my clothes off...Rp. 350,000 was his starting price, already in a hurry I nearly slapped him for his insolence, £25 to wash a few tshirts, two pairs of shorts and some boxers was insulting. After causing a fairly impressive scene I managed to get them down to Rp. 60,000 and got an apology - win!

Following a lightning shower, I found myself back on a motorbike winding my way through the backstreets to the cute faux colonial 'Cafe Bali' in Seminyak to meet the Aussie's. Twenty minutes late I sat down and met the rest of the troops who had been absent for reasons better left well alone the previous night! Despite latching on to a friendship group 9 strong, they were remarkably welcoming. With dinner done, we head back to their villa for a dangerous assortment of drinking games but a healthy dose of banter - how I've missed being able to mock people without them taking actual offence. They did try their best to wow me with their racial stereotypes of 'Poms', I think they favoured being that we whinge a lot! Sufficient humiliation all round, we made our way back to 'La Plancha' for a beach party. We drank, we danced and I cut my foot, all in all a winning night!

Lazy Aussies!

Such frivolity potentially wasn't a plan considering I had a flight the next day. I left my hotel room at 11:30am to catch a 12:45pm flight - cue the desperate rush! Magically I arrived with time to spare and eventually boarded the 52 seater propeller 'Merpati' plane, that's when my hangover struck with all it's might! A gruesome hour and a half later, I found myself in Luaban Bajo, Flores on the edge of Komodo National Park. The airport and baggage claim were laughable, a man hoisting bags through a hole in the wall is a novel replacement for the customary conveyor belt! A motorbike from the airport offered a great view of the stunning natural harbour of Luaban Bajo nestled in a stunning bay edged with mountainous islands. I checked myself into Gardena Bungalows with a room overlooking the ocean and passed out...

Taking my life in my own hands!

With the previous day a complete write off, I was up early to sort out some diving. Visits to numerous dive shops offered little hope until I popped into 'Sebayur Diving' who took from me Rp. 2,500,000 for a 2 day liveaboard including 6 dives - a done deal. Next stop was the pier where I chartered myself a boat to Rinca (Rin-cha) to go huntin' Dragons (Komodo Dragons)! After a journey which wouldn't have been out of place in a Lord of the Rings film for duration, we chugged our way up to a jetty protruding from the mangroves. At the end of said jetty, I was greeted by Bruno who wielded a 6ft 'Y-shaped' stick which he assured me was for 'dragonssss' as he swung it theatrically through the air - unsettled by this lunatic, we plodded through the mangroves to the Ranger Station. Once in the Ranger Station, I handed over endless Rupiah to buy permits for park entry, diving, snorkelling, using my camera....breathing?!

Don't judge me, my neck was burning!

Evil!

Out of the office and back into the blistering sunshine, I was confronted with five enormous dragons lolling in the sun. Whilst they were quite docile, their presence was massively unnerving. Bruno decided whilst I crouched with my back to the group of monsters to try his hand at becoming the next David Bailey! Worryingly, I noticed that whilst they may not have been moving a great deal, it was very apparent that they were constantly watching and assessing the potential for a Western snack! The rest of my time on the island was fairly boring, we didn't spot any other dragons on account of it being mating season. Bruno did point out some interesting flora and fauna and we spotted lots of Long Tailed Macaques but I was content with what I'd seen. Back to the Ranger Station, through the mangroves and onto the boat and I was headed back to Luaban Bajo, witness to a beautiful sunset....

'Post Arak Punch Paul' was a sight to behold, breakfast was a chore and the speedboat to Wakai wasn't a fun endeavour. The plan following the cancelled ferry was to head back to Ampana where we would jump in a car to Palu to catch a flight to Bali. Simple! After an uncomfortable slumber on the Captains floor on the ferry, we jumped in our car in Ampana which was more than a little snug. The driver tried to tell us another person would be joining us which raised a great deal of protest ad between us we paid for the seventh seat in the car!

We began our 11 hour drive with little to report until quite far in our driver began to close his eyes, slightly worrying at the best of times but more so when he is meant to be navigating winding mountain passes bordered on one side by a sheer drop! To help him stay awake we let him put his music on, an interesting assortment of 80's classics and the Vengaboy's greatest hits! We arrived in Palu at 4am where we dropped Pascal and Gégé and made our way to the airport which didn't open until 5am - I found myself sleeping on the second floor of the day!

Despite the actual airport opening at five o'clock, the ticket offices didn't open until seven o'clock - more waiting! More bad news came when they finally did open, there were no available flights to Bali that day - slightly enraged, we bought flights to Makassar with a connection to Bali the following day. Unfortunately, flight number one wasn't until 2:30pm which meant another five hours of waiting on a fly infested floor, I was less than impressed! When the time came, the flight was fairly painless, we whipped through the airport, hopped in a taxi and head to Hotel Lestari followed by pizza and an attempt to organise my life back home online to no avail! Bed beckoned and I said goodbye to Audrey, Julie and Karine and settled down to watch some TV!

The next morning I littered around and made the mistake of watching a National Geographic about 'BA Flight 9', a flight almost brought down over Indonesia due to volcanic ash - winning plan pre-flight! I checked out and made my way to Makassar Mall where I planned to catch a bus to the airport, unfortunately, the mall was engulfed in flames and pandemonium filled the streets. After some struggling I managed to through myself on a bus airport bound where I was the highlight of the locals journey - one woman asked me to marry her! Awkward! After some more pottering and potentially the worlds shortest flight, I was in Denpassar, Bali with a return ticket to Luaban Bajo, Flores. From the airport I grabbed a taxi to Kuta and ended up ini Poppies 1 in search of a hotel. I finally settled in Berlian Inn where I got there version of a penthouse! First impressions of Kuta aren't good, it's full of obnoxious Bogan Australians and scummy families, I might as well have been in Benidorm!

I spent the evening roaming the streets and got massively lost! The streets are ridiculously confusing and there are no landmarks to base yourself on, any sense of direction counts for little in the claustrophobic backstreets! One striking thing about Bali is that despite Indonesia's apparent loathing of drugs and severe penalties for anyone caught with them - they are worryingly available on the streets. In about 40 minutes I must have been offered a small plantations worth of marijuana! This place just oozes class...

Day two in Kuta was spent looking for a cheaper hotel with limited results, high season cometh! I also booked a car for when I return from Luaban Bajo so I could explore a little more of the island at my own pace!

As my journey across Indonesia progresses it is becoming more and more apparent that any form of transport that left and arrived on time would unnerve the masses, the result is tardiness and delays a plenty! With little I can do, I just have to sit back and take it in my stride!

Following my cultural overload I found myself waiting for my bus from Rantepao to Poso - a mere 90 minutes late! All aboard, I felt I'd lucked out with ample seats and legroom, the next stop dashed any hopes I had of comfort. On got a grumpy pair of Spaniards and a host of Indonesians hauling sacks of rice and cockerels - guess where all the crap ended up...at my feet! Contorted in ways which would have seen me flying through the preliminary rounds of 'Britain's Got Talent'. If this wasn't enough, one of the drivers decided I clearly had too much room and despite there being room throughout the bus insisted on planting himself on my feet - he then had the nerve to ask me to move my feet! Now in an ungodly position, seething and set to lash out, I took solace that twelve hours of this supposed twelve hour journey had passed - I'd made it through this far. Calmed by this thought, the delight beside me decided to start hacking, no worries - just turn up my music, not content with just hacking she then began snorting out of her nose sending a shower of snot rockets down my arm. I heaved just a little! Fourteen hours of hell finally ended in Poso. I'm not writing just to whinge, just think about my plight before you knock the public transport in your respective city's - I'm counting the days until I have TfL (Transport for London) back in my life!

One thirty in the morning I rolled into Poso and made the strangest decision I've everett whilst travelling - to get in a private car with 4 unknown Indonesians! They were headed to Ampana - my next stop and I had no intention of staying in Poso near any of the monsters I'd been trapped on that bus with! About half an hour into the drive, potentially fatigue induced delirium I had convinced myself they were taking me to a hidden camp where they would either auction off my organs or demand a ransom. It was a fun 5 hours! Tearing through the coastal road connecting the two towns as the sun came up was fairly exciting despite my waning fears.

The bus from hell!

Early Morning in Ampana

Bleary eyed, I stepped out of the car in Ampana, a sleepy port, shortly after sunrise. I hobbled toward the harbour where I was ushered into the harbour-mistresses office by an excitable mute! After a great deal of interpretive dance he shot off on his motorbike - after nearly 3 hours waiting/ sleeping on a bench I gave up, checked into a hotel and the day was a write off!





The following day I acquired a ferry ticket, grabbed some boat food and soon found myself melting on the deck headed for the Togian's largest town of Wakai. After four hours of blistering sunshine and a spattering of rain, I found myself in Wakai which looked no more than a shanty town! I boarded a boat destined for my final stop - Kadidiri. I hopped off the boat, traipsed up the jetty, through a little forest and was confronted by a beautiful stretch of beach adorned with small bungalows over looking the sea as it lapped gently against the shore. I was in heaven! I checked into the Black Marlin Dive Centre and made myself at home in my very own bungalow. Showered and refreshed, I grabbed a beer and marvelled at the sunset from the hammock on my balcony - bliss.

My Beach Bungalow complete with Hammock

The sun went down, I got chatting to Marco, Julie, Audrey and Karine. Dinner came, freshly caught fish of the day and an introduction to Gégé and Pascal. That evening I booked a 'Scuba Refuel' to brush up only diving skills. The rest of the night was passed chatting until some of the locals busted out a guitar and had a good old sing-song! With electricity from 6pm-11pm I grabbed an early night do as not to get caught in the dark!




The following day was spent recuperating from the ordeal of actually getting to the island and so I passed the day trying my hardest not to burst into flames in the oppressive sun!

My Bungalow View

The next day was time for my 'Duba Refuel' with German Tina, with breakfast done, we ran through some basic theory, setup my equipment and made my first dive in over a year in the "House Reef". Once there, we ran through some skills and began our drift dive. The dive was fairly substandard, the marine life wasn't particularly spectacular and the coral seemed fairly damaged! It felt great to be back in the water though. The highlight was definitely the cuttlefish we saw. Roughly the size of a rugby ball, it was like something out of Alien - constantly changing colour to match it's surroundings and altering it's shape to mimic the corals below. It flashed an array of colours and darted off out of sight. Truly amazing! After sixty-two minutes, we surfaced and head back to shore. The rest of the day was spent snorkelling and sunbathing.

Talk about isolated!

Day four in the Togian's saw me up at 5:30 to join the guys on a boat trip to Malenge. After around an hour, we found ourself at a jetty on the island where we met out guide. His mission was to guide us through the jungle, hopefully spot some monkeys and tarsiers and then return us to our boat. Unfortunately, I had worn flip-flops (thongs) for this mini adventure and so frequently found myself wallowing in mud unable to move! The jungle proved to be a little less exotic than first thought and we simply trudged through to the other side of the island when the heavens opened and we took shelter in the porch of an abandoned house in an isolated bay. Slightly downtrodden, we sent our guide back to get our Captain to come and fetch us!

Bajo Children

Back on the boat in the driving rain, we made our way to a Bajo or Sea Gypsy settlement - whilst normally nomadic, pressure from the Indonesian government has meant many families are being forced to settle. They'd compromised with houses partially in land but mainly overhanging the sea. Most of the time here was spent avoiding the torrential rain, much to the amusement of the local children. Once the rain abated, we head for an isolated beach for a spot of snorkelling where I spotted a shoal of squid. Next stop was the Wall off Taipi Island which was home to a lot of "Crown of Thorns" Starfish or 'Rats of the Sea' as Marco called them! The marine life is definitely overhyped in the Togian's but it's nice to experience somewhere new.

Bajo Village

My final day in paradise had a pleasant start, I grabbed some breakfast and then my bill (not so pleasant!). I tried to catch some sun until the rain came! Suddenly remembering I needed to take my anti-malarials, I made the mistake of taking them on an empty stomach and so after a delicious Barracuda lunch, I spent the next hour in bed trying not to vomit! Thankfully, a dive at 2:30 drew me from my lair and a group of us dived "The Gap" - another mediocre dive!

Returning from the dive, I was greeted with the news that our ferry in the morning to Gorontalo wouldn't be running as planned - Indonesia strikes again! Oh well!

As evening fell, Abo, one of the dive masters had organised a party as so many people were leaving the following day. She brought out her "Arak Punch", arak is a palm wine/paint stripper! Everyone got fairly merry, we danced to Indonesian pop and Abo instigated an array of dangerous drinking games! Abo seemed intent on making a fool out of me! As the party wound down, everyone swapped contact details and skunk off to bed, more than a little merry, I made my way back to my room by candlelight and proceeded to pass out! A good night was had.

Arrival in Makassar was fairly straight forward, I jumped in a taxi which was either set to explode or transport me and my sweaty taxi driver to an alternate universe. Whilst it did neither during my journey, who knows what magical and mystical things he may be experiencing now! Having been stuck in a particularly Muslim part of the world previously, a beer was out of the question - no longer. I head to a bar, grabbed some beers and did a little bit of last minute planning - my particularly well rehearsed travel attitude! The result, I would simply reverse my journey across Sulawesi, starting South and heading North.

With another broken sleep interspersed with vivid lucid dreams courtesy of my anti-malarials, I was up at 6:50AM. By 7:20AM, I was checked out and trudging down the street with my bags to find a pete-pete to Terminal Daya to catch a bus to Rantepao in the Tana Toraja area. Ticket bought, bus boarded and I had the pleasure of being the drivers companion i.e I spent 9 hours being battered with the gear-stick!

The journey was punctuated with numerous stops at which points locals took their turns to come and practice their English on me. The driver it turned out was an absolute menace to all and sundry, he clipped smaller vehicles, overtook on the wrong-side of the road and had the audacity to beep at oncoming traffic, he undertook, forced people off the road and generally hammered his horn! As if by magic, I arrived in "Pia's Poppies" where I checked in and got speaking to Samuel (rechristened 'Samwise'), a local guide who's services I was to employ at 7:30AM the next day.

Bright and early the next morning, Samwise and I were on the back of his motorbike headed into the mountains which encircled Rantepao. The morning was cool and fresh which made a lovely change from the oppressive heat to which I had become accustomed! First stop was a small village near a place called Balik, whilst I was aware I was headed to a sacrificial funeral ceremony, I was massively under-prepared for what I was to experience...

Exposed skulls within a Torajan grave

It was the final day of the three day funeral ceremony to honour an individual who had passed away over a year ago. Torajan tradition dictates that all family members have a say in the funeral arrangement so in the interim, the body is preserved within the family home using formaldehyde and treated as if they were merely sick, for example, they are still given meals with the rest of the family!

We arrived in an arena-esque setup, a field a little smaller than a football pitch bordered on all sides by temporary terraces. In the centre of the arena stood two rice stores around which smouldered the carcasses of around twenty five pigs sacrificed the day before, in the North Western corner stood an ornate coffin on a balcony surveying the scene below. Along the two longest terraces stood twenty gargantuan Buffalo tied only by the hoop through their nostrils. I in all my naivety assumed Samwise and I would simply observe from afar - how wrong I was! Within seconds of our arrival, Samwise told me to stick close and darted across the open expanse to the nearest rice store, I followed and found myself uncomfortably close to one of the larger Buffalos. As the monster started getting shirty, Samwise ducked into a terrace with me hot on his heels, it was here I was introduced to the family of the deceased - I offered a gift of 4KG of sugar (seemed to float their boat!). We were offered cake and coffee - I winced - as many of you should know I'm not big on coffee...let's say at all! Not wanting to appear rude I attempted to gulp it down, this proved much more strenuous than at first anticipated, regardless, I can now proudly say I have drunk one entire cup of coffee in my life!

We sat for a while with Samwise explaining the traditions behind the funerals and people's beliefs and suddenly in the North Western corner, there was a little commotion and people started flocking to the area - Samwise was off again! Being the only tourist there I was getting a lot of waves and stares. We stopped in the Western terrace outside which a group of men had hammered three stakes into the ground at different angles, wound between these stakes was a rope, attached to this rope was one of the smaller buffalo.

As one man calmed the anxious creature, another unsheathed a knife and in the blink of an eye had slashed through many layers of fat, the windpipe and jugular - blood rained down on the soil around the animals feet as it panicked and thrashed spilling ever more blood on the floor as it's heart thumped with the shock. I began to feel queasy to say the least, the buffalo finally fell and shortly after it's body twitched and it was still. I was traumatised and before I had time to compose myself the second buffalo was being led in! This went on for some time, I wasn't aware they killed all the poor beasts.

One sacrificial buffalo

As the bodies piled up and the once dusty floor turned into a ruby quagmire, one buffalo assumed to be dead rose to it's feet, a mottled grey with pale blue eyes it was eerie looking compared to the other silky brown animals. Samwise fed me some story of there being a voodoo practitioner in the village, whether I believe him is dubious but it was freaky to witness! I spent much of the ceremony dodging jets of blood issuing from the severed jugular of these panicking animals or as with the final buffalo avoiding being trampled by a rampaging and highly pissed off mass of buffalo! The biggest of the lot, this buffalo broke free from the leg restraints and after several failed attempts to completely cut it's throat, several villagers slashed at it's Achilles tendons to fell the animal but despite horrific injuries, the animal bolted! I didn't follow but the village poured into the street and Samwise told me one of the village elders managed to calm the animal and finished it off...the whole experience was by far the grimmest thing I have ever witnessed. It was harrowing to watch but I took some solace in the fact that these animals are raised for ten to fifteen years, living comfortable lives which is more than can be said for the cows or whatever it is Ronald McDonald puts in his burgers these days!

The Living Tree

I think Samwise picked up on my distress and suggested we make a move - I couldn't have felt more relieved! We bid farewell to the family and it was back on the bike. From the massacre, we made our way through the countryside visiting traditional graves, some simply coffins within natural caves, some carved into sheer rock faces and then there was the 'Living Tree' whose entrance was adorned by a sign only a very select few would be thrilled to see - 'Baby Grave'. Down a few steps from one village we found a huge tree in an opening covered in dark patches of woven twigs. Samwise explained that the Torojans believed infants who had yet to develop teeth had no soul, the hope was that if they excavated a hollow within a tree the baby could join the trees soul and pass from this world to the next. Behind each patch lay the mummified remains of a baby...such a morbid day! Despite this, I couldn't help thinking it was all a little 'Fern Gully'!

A tradtional Torajan house

The rest of the day was slightly less morbid as we visited Ke'te Kesu, a traditional Torajan village. The architecture of the houses is deeply symbolic and ties closely with the spiritual beliefs of the villagers, it is thought the shape is either to represent the horns of the buffalo or from when the first sea-faring settlers arrived in the area from China and simply turned their boats upside down to provide shelter.

From Ke'te Kesu, we began our hair raising ascent to Batu Tomonga, a tiny hamlet perched atop 1,750 meters above sea-level overlooking the sprawling paddy-fields in the valley below. The views were incredible! The journey back down the other side of the mountain on which I would only just call a dirt track was severely detrimental to my bottom's well being. Slightly mortified, suffering extremely saddle sore but ultimately feeling culturally enriched I was back in my hotel. Following the days activities, I had another momentous highlight...I spoke to my first westerner since Hemma left me in Yogyakarta - a real conversation with a native English speaker, amazing! I don't think it's possible to appreciate the joy I felt unless you have experienced over a week of stilted and broken conversations with numerous non-English speaking people! Spirits lifted, I skipped to bed.

A view from Batu Tomonga

Whilst Pulau Madura was a nice enough place, the celebrity I was afforded by the locals was a little much plus my hopes of a nice beach to lie on were dashed by the incomprehensible amount of rubbish lying all over the place! I checked out of my box and head for the bus, a little old man pedaled me a long way to a group of jokers who wanted to charge me Rp. 100,000 for half a journey which I knew in it's entirety cost Rp. 10,000! A shady looking character emerged from a hole in the wall, gave me a toothy grin and led me over the road to where, to my great surprise I boarded the right bus to the ferry back to Surabaya. The actual process of boarding the bus was slightly hair-raising, the driver felt no need to actually stop, merely slowing a little would suffice - laden with all my worldly belongings it was hit and miss whether I would make it onto the bus in one piece - obviously I did! I'm quite pleased that I am coming to understand what things should cost and will often pay over the agreed price come journeys end but it's the principle!

The journey to Surabaya was fairly relaxed and the next few days passed with little to note! I visited a kretek factory, "House of Sampoerna", purely based on it being one of the limited things to see/do in the city. Kreteks are clove cigarettes which the Indonesian's are obsessed with, once the world's largest clove exporter, when kreteks became mainstream Indonesia had to start importing cloves to sustain the industry! The factory was fairly shallow with little more than glorified advertising for the company. What was amazing was the view across the factory floor, 400 women rolling cigarettes at phenomenal speeds , it was mind blowing how fast their fingers moved!

My next day in Surabaya was the day of reckoning, to Visa or Not to Visa? I arrived bright and early having visited an ATM to replenish my dwindling cash reserves! I balled out of my taxi into the bustling Imigrasi office and rocked up to 'Loket 1' where the kind gentleman who had processed my original application awaited for another round of 'Swap the Paper'. One form and instructions to go to the Kasir (Cashier!), handed over some cash and gained a new form, back to Mr Loket, more slips of paper exchanged hands and instructions to return at 2PM. Being 11AM and in the middle of nowhere, this was a little annoying to say the least! I plodded off down the 6 lane highway to McDonald's of all places where I whiled away my time abusing their free Wi-Fi. Two o'clock came and back to Mr Loket I went, this time he gave me my passport and told me to photocopy...my new visa! With the copy in my hand, I made my last exchange with Mr Loket - he gave a polite smile and uttered the word "Finish", joy!

Should you be looking for an Indonesian Visa Extension from Surabaya, click here to read about my experience.

With my spirits lifted, I returned to the Hotel where I spent some time checking flights and generally planning everything at the last minute as seems to be the case with much of my travels. Feeling fairly perky, I opted to head out for some food and practice a bit of Indonesian with disastrous consequences...I felt adventurous and wandered to a warung where I simply asked what they had and ordered a plate. Epic fail! Halfway through my funky smelling dish I realised what the little old lady had said was in this dish, just to double check I asked and her children behind her began to bark...Oh. Dear. God! Not wishing to offend the chef who was standing over me and grinning with encouragement, I attempted to hide what was left of old fido under the rice, paid my dues and made a run for it! Traumatised, I head for bed.

The next day, I checked out, hopped in a taxi and was in Surabaya Airport awaiting my 1:35PM flight to Makassar in Sulawesi with a connecting flight to Gorontalo. Sorry wait, no, this is Indonesia, the 1:35PM flight took off at 5:45PM, missing the connection and stranding me in Makassar a good few hundred kilometers south of where I wanted to be...no matter, I will prevail!

Rudy's kitchen!

Based on a complete lack of things to do in Surabaya, I was adamant I would not be trapped there for the entirety of my wait for my visa extension. Bags packed, I was on my way to Tanjung perak, a harbour to the north of the city, ticket bought, I boarded a ferry to island of Madura. A quick thirty minute crossing and I was helped onto the right bus to Bangkalan on the island's west coast. I quickly became a mini attraction on the bus and Rudy jumped in, Rudy was nice enough but I couldn't get over how camp he was and how much he reminded me of Kim Jung Il! He offered to take me back to his house (with his mother), I was a little dubious but I had heard that Indonesian hospitality knows no bounds so I thought why not. Once at Rudy's, he made me iced tea and gave me a platter of watermelon...to myself! He spoke relatively good English so we spoke for quite a while and he made some lunch, things became awkward when he offered me a massage - slightly perturbed, I made some excuses and made my way to a Hotel in town.

The box I made my home!

Hotel Ningrat was gearing up for a wedding as I checked into the box which was my room. I wandered around the...town...? If that's what you can call it. I quickly noticed that the locals are bewitched by me, I walked into a bustling supermarket and within seconds you could have heard a pin drop. I was frequently approached by younger people eager to practice their English and they told me they 'seldom' see Westerners - it shows! Everyone else will shout either "Hello Mister, how are you' or generally holler to make sure you know they have seen you. The photo requests also make walking down the street quite an ordeal.

Me on the Edge, the Edge...the Edge!

The day after my arrival in Bangkalan, I made my way to Sambilangan with the promise of a beach. I hopped on the back of an ojek (motorbike) and was off on a white knuckle ride across the island to the western-most peninsula. The journey whilst petrifying took me winding through some beautiful scenery and my driver dropped me at the isolated lighthouse on the peninsula, took my money and was gone. I had a long walk back! First, I ascended the lighthouse to get some fantastic views across the island and back toward the mainland. After many, many flights of stairs in the sweltering heat, I was a little sweaty, the descent wasn't much better! I began the long walk back to Bangkalan along the dusty and fairly deserted road, every now and then a moped would whistle by with a "Hello Mister" trailing in its wake. The sun was relentless, luckily I had my factor 30 on me otherwise things could have ended badly! I walked for the best part of 4 hours along the dusty roads through tiny villages, past beautiful mosques and picturesque scenery. The people were extraordinarily friendly, forever stopping to offer me a lift or just to say 'Hello', none of them could understand why I wanted to walk!

Sambilangan Lighthouse

Mercury and his Scouts!

About half-way into the walk, I stumbled past a Scout Camp, their leader invited me to come and speak to the kids. It was a bizarre experience - I'm fast realising there are a set of stock phrases that kids are taught and beyond that English doesn't progress in the majority of people! They sang me some songs and I realised time was fleeting so I made a move, whilst I was there, the local primary school had assembled to see what the fuss was about. As I left the village, I was followed by a horde of cheering children - it was quite cute really! Striking distance from the hotel, I stopped of for some water at a warung, the local men were enthralled and people gathered around to attempt to ask me questions. It's amazing that despite the fact they have so little, they will offer drinks and food to random people off the street. I've overcome my distrust of friendly Asian's, instilled by the money grabbing folk of southern Thailand and have begun to embrace their hospitality!  Finally home, I was repulsed by my own feet. A shower followed, harassment by the local prostitute and sleep...

Ghandi has nothing on this!

A slightly perplexed owl at the Bird Market

The next day heralded further cultural escapades. Up early again, we began the day with a trip to the Bird Market. It was slightly odd, you could buy everything from fruit-bats and owls to puppies and lizards - a witches dream! I wouldn't recommend visiting though, whilst the birds all looked healthy, the mammals didn't look as if they were having such a great time of it! We also took pity on the pedi-cab drivers who had to pedal us across town.

Next on the agenda was Borobudur, billed as Indonesia's answer to Angkor Wat, I was expecting big things! Tickets bought, sarongs (not entirely sure why) donned, we approached the temple, I was horrendously underwhelmed. The site was under renovation and it just looked tatty, I wasn't impressed - the sunset was quite nice though, even if we did have to hang around for ages to see it! Oh well, box ticked!

Standard. Saronged infront of Borobudur

 The next day was passed in the sun and exploring a local market, not a lot to report! The following day was Hemma's last. Having spied a bed-bug scurrying around my bed the previous night, I was less than rested. We lounged around until check-out and grabbed a taxi to the airport. For the first time in my life I rocked up to the airport ticket-less and bought one then and there (I found it quite exciting even if you don't!). Rp. 392,500 later I had a one-way ticket to Surabaya. Shockingly, Hemma's flight was delayed (mine was...early?!). The flight was amazing, Indonesian's don't care for the emergency exit seats so I was swamped in legroom, sadly I was also swamped in the sweat from the fat man spilling out of his seat and into mine. The flight was short enough for it not to be an issue, we flew beside two volcanoes which was an experience!

Attempted creativity at Borobudur!

Once in Surabaya, I found a hotel and head out for street food. The streets of Surabaya were deserted and it was only 7pm, it was creepy. I sat with some locals and tucked in to a very spicy Soto Ayam. I retired to my hotel fairly early - mainly based on the lack of things to do in the city. Another night was spent with blood sucking b*stards! My room played host to what I can only fathom was some kind of International Mosquito Convention. I woke up and my back was like a dot-to-dot and there had been such a frenzy that as I'd rolled over on the sheets I'd squashed numerous semi-full mosquitoes, the result was NOT pretty.

Day two in Surabaya, I meant business! Another early morning, a little interpretive dance (of sorts!) and I was in a 'taksi' to 'immagrasi' (crazy language but I see what they did there!). Due to visa restrictions and my poor forward planning, I needed to apply for a second 30 day visa on top of that which I was issued on arrival. The immigration office was bedlam, a mass of sweaty, clearly annoyed people milling around with about as much clue as to what was going on as I did! After several moments contemplation, I had my forms, partially filled them in and within half an hour I had a slip telling me to come back five days later. So. much. bureaucracy!

The Russian Submarine

Next stop was Surabaya Plaza for supplies in the war which was soon to be waged in my room. I picked up some mosquito spray which looked more like some kind of anti-aircraft gun - they won't know what hit them! From the bewilderingly complicated and dated 'plaza', I head to 'Monumen Kapal Selam', a Russian submarine bought by the Indonesian's in 1962 and used to adorn what Lonely Planet calls Surabaya's 'prime-waterfront development'. I scurried through the sub but due to the cramped and sweltering conditions, it wasn't particularly pleasant, a few snaps later and I was trotting down the waterfront to the 'Croco-Shark' - a statue which portrayed Surabaya's emblem, lord knows why! A toe stubbing from here left me bleeding and so I jumped into a taxi and head back to the hotel.

Weirdest Statue Ever?

 My return to the hotel saw a massacre, having been bitten on the eyelid...the EYELID! I was taking no prisoners, by the time I was done, the bathroom and my room's floor were littered with the twitching bodies of many many mosquitoes. A good nights sleep followed!

Slightly worse for wear, up at the crack of dawn, Hemma and I bid Rob farewell and jumped into a taxi to the train station. Arriving at 6:45am was upsettingly early for an 8am train! We bought our tickets, more expensive than flying and 8 times longer, take it on the chin! The day didn't improve with the upsetting breakfast of warm orange juice and a croissant with chilli salsa, not a winning combo. We head for our platform to await our train (late, no surprise there), whilst the seats were comfy, they seemed to insist on playing Indonesia's Top 40 from last month on a loop with some of the most infuriating jingles you can imagine. Shockingly we both managed to sleep and 8 hours more or less flew by. We had arrived in Yogyakarta! Tramping into Losemen Bladok, we were greeted by friendly staff, a swimming pool and complimentary tea - win. We had dinner in the attached restaurant and made plans to go and see some traditional dancing. A mini saga actually finding the place ensued only to find out we had been spun a web of lies by the Lonely Planet. There was no show for us! We trundled back to the hostel on foot, got lost toward the end and hopped in a taxi. With the night waning we had a cheeky drink in Lucifers Bar - an interesting take on a karaoke bar and wound up in bed fairly tired.

Sunday came and with it, our plan to visit 'Gunung Merapi' or Fire Mountain, one of only 16 volcanoes in the world to have been active for over a decade. Queue a taxi ride to a deserted bus station, a little haggling and the taxi was ours for the day for the handsome sum of £12.50. During my trip I seem to have developed 'transport induced narcolepsy', put me in anything moving and I'm gone! Makes the travelling part of travelling much less arduous.

Our first stop was 'Ullèn Sentalau Museum' which was just awkward all over. Our 'English speaking guide' clearly lied on her CV and seemed flustered at the prospect of actual foreigners, many questions were simply answered with a drawn out 'Yes' but she tried! Unfortunately they didn't allow photography in the museum which was a shame because whilst the objects on display were fairly mundane, the architecture was beautiful, it was like something out of Lord of the Rings! The tour was ended with a gingery spiced drink. Back to our taxi man who had taken the opportunity to catch up on some sleep...

Our driver roused, we set off for 'Hutan Wisata Kaliurang', the park within which visitors can admire Mt. Merapi from. We tried to decipher the map which was completely missing the central portion, i.e. the part we needed! I've used the term park very loosely here, it was an area set in a valley, with trees and a few outbuildings but littered with even more trees and the remnants less fortunate outbuildings. The surrounding valley walls were scarred by successive landslides, this, combined with Indonesian's apparent hatred of sign posts unless adorned with the words 'Keluah' (Exit) or 'Toilets' made locating the path our first challenge! Once pointed in the right direction challenge number two was navigating our way up the valley on a path which in places had slid almost 15ft down the slope and in other places had simply been replaced by sliding trees! an adventure if ever there was one.

Jenga, with trees.

Upon reaching the zenith of the crumbling path we were greeted by a Merapi engulfed in cloud - brilliant! The vista before us highlighted the volcanoes destructive force with baron hillsides strewn with lifeless trees and debris. Then, almost out of nowhere popped Mila - a rather eccentric Dane who joined us on our descent down the other side of the valley on an even more ridiculous path! We gave a passing visit to Tlogo Muncar - a measly waterfall and we all hopped back in the taxi and back to Yogyakarta.

Mmm, fishy!

Back in civilization,  Mila offered to take us for some street food in a warung - something Rob had specifically warned us against. We went anyway and it was AMAZING, 3 of us at and drank for the handsome sum of Rp. 23,000 (£1.40). Content, we parted ways for a few hours and later met up for a drink, she had some really interesting conversation in her - it was all OK until her douchey Irish friends turned up...time for bed!

Right so here I am again, blogging about my travels rather than firing off hundreds of emails individually!

For those of you who don't know, my good friend Hemma accompanied me on the arduous and delay ridden flight from Gatwick to Jakarta via Dubai. Granted our delays weren't particularly severe but delays before take-off, delays before landing and a failed attempt at landing tend to grate after a while!

Anyway, flying is boring! We arrived into Jakarta and I discovered Indonesia's first little nuances - Signs are for wimps. Fairly bedraggled and overwhelmed by everything going on around us, we finally found the forms we needed to get our visa and joined the queue of all queues! Annoyingly everyone with a child saw it as their god given right to be at the front of said queue - having a child is your choice, bringing them to Indonesia is your choice, these choices don't make you better than everyone else ergo, get to the back of the line!

Immigration out of the way, bags collected, we met up with my parents friend, Rob's driver - Zul. He drove us the hour long journey to Rob's compound. Once there, we showered, had some pizza and grabbed some much needed sleep!

After a fairly tumultuous nights sleep which I'm going to blame on the chronologically based abuse my body had been through in the past 24 hours, both Hemma and I woke fairly late! Rob's maid had laid on an amazing breakfast! Suitably fed and watered, we set about planning what we were going to do. Both Rob and the Lonely Planet said Jakarta was a hard pill to swallow so we looked elsewhere. On Rob's advice, we set our sights on Yogyakarta (Jogjakarta). Based on diminishing sunshine and rolling clouds we ran for the pool to catch some rays!

Poolside we did a little more planning and I played with my camera - I learnt quite a bit just with fiddling, probably quite obvious to those in the know but I was proud nonetheless!

As the evening rolled in (which is super early here - around 6pm!), we both showered and head to a Dutch bar by the name of 'De Hooi'. We ate, we drank and we ogled the hideous fat westerner and his meeting with a pimp and his hoe! Sly photo will follow shortly! Time flew, 1am rolled around and it was time for bed, a 5am wake up awaits us...

I feel a job in surveillance!